SELF DIFFERENTIATION: – BEHAVIOURS LINKED

Self-differentiation is a word we probably do not hear in everyday usage. But it is a crucial process to living (and eating) well. It is happening when we hear people speaking their minds with thoughtful conviction even though others might disapprove. It is lacking when someone spends their life rebelling against the views and values of parents/ colleagues and clinging to their opposite. It is missing when someone stifles feelings and thoughts in fear of hurting others or being rejected or shamed by them.  

Differentiation of self was defined by Murray Bowen (Psychiatrist, Professor- Georgetown University) in 1978 as the degree to which one is able to balance: (a) emotional and intellectual functioning, and (b) intimacy and autonomy in relationships.

His theory has two major parts.

1) Differentiation of self is the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people cannot separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that.

2) Further, they have difficulty separating their own from others’ feelings; they look to family to define how they think about issues, feel about people, and interpret their experiences.

On an intrapsychic level, differentiation refers to the ability to distinguish thoughts from feelings and to choose between being guided by one’s intellect or one’s emotions.

Self-differentiation involves being able to possess and identify our own thoughts and feelings and distinguish them from others. It is a process of not losing connection to self while holding a deep connection to others, including those we love whose views may differ from ours. For Example- if we grow up in a family in which everyone maintains attachment (or has only brief disconnects) in spite of having different thoughts and feelings, we can begin to self-differentiate.

Greater differentiation allows one to experience strong affect or shift to calm, logical reasoning when circumstances dictate. Flexible, adaptable, and better able to cope with stress, more differentiated individuals operate equally well on both emotional and rational levels while maintaining a measure of autonomy within their intimate relationships. Highly differentiated individuals are thought to demonstrate better psychological adjustment.

In contrast, poorly differentiated persons tend to be more emotionally reactive, finding it difficult to remain calm in response to the emotionality of others. With intellect and emotions fused, they tend to make decisions based on what “feels right”; in short, they are trapped in an emotional world. Less differentiated individuals experience greater chronic anxiety.

From a process orientation, differentiation is an active, ongoing process of connecting to and honouring our own experience, acting in integrity with our values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. When differentiated, we are able to identify our needs and preferences in any given situation and to speak up for them when necessary. We regularly and explicitly clarify boundaries. We are able to manage the reactivity and discomfort that comes from either risking greater intimacy or potential separation and conflict.

Not only do problems with lack of self-differentiation make healthy adult relationships impossible, but they cause tremendous inner turmoil which can often lead to comfort eating. We may get furious because we feel controlled by someone who wants us to do something we do not wish to do but believe we are unsafe expressing our feelings openly. Or we may silence ourselves around others and feel inauthentic, unheard, or invisible, and with needs unmet, seek food for solace.

Here are some core skills and behaviors that signify and support differentiation to cultivate and watch for:-

1. Groundedness and clarity about our identity; confidence in our innate goodness and lovability.
2. Self-awareness, self-empathy, self-regulation/soothing remain accessible and consistent throughout a given day.
3. Self-responsibility: an ability to share unmet needs without blame, criticism, or demands.
4. An ability to meet differences with respect, curiosity, empathy, or celebration.
5. An ability to listen with empathy in interactions we perceive as difficult or challenging.
6. An ability to make changes within or to end relationships in which collaboration and mutual respect are not met.
7. Consistent engagement in activities and behaviours that support our thriving.
8. Having multiple trusted strategies to meet any given need; not expecting to meet any need with just one person or one strategy.
9. A consistent sense of meaning and purpose.
10. A consistent and confident sense of autonomy and agency.
11. An ability to express authentically while considering the needs of others and risking conflict.
12. Mindfulness practice: noticing your experience with compassion; having an ability to identify your intention, feelings, needs, and requests in any given moment.

Emotional fusion refers to an emotional intertwining between people and or between people and other animals or between people and objects. This is an attachment that is a part of all relationships but varies in quantity depending on two variables: the level of chronic anxiety and the level of differentiation of self of the individuals involved.

A high degree of fusion or attachment reflects a high degree of sensitivity of people to each other and when sufficiently intense takes one of two forms: “I can’t do without you” or “I can’t stand to be around you.” Regardless of the external form fusion takes, it reflects a state of “we-ness” in that people believe, to some extent, that they must feel alike, think alike, and behave alike.

Anger and over-compliance, for example, are two sides of the same coin. Both are the result of fusion or the inability to function, the result of having thoughts and actions determined by others. We should take pride in our emotions but be wary of the forces that are trying to manipulate them. We must always balance emotion with reason.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa.

THE REFLECTIVE MIND: UNDERSTANDING THE MECHANICS OF SELF-REFLECTION

Being present with oneself, in the moment, being mindful, mentalizing, reflective function—all of these constructs point toward a crucial recognition of one’s own experience that takes place repeatedly on short time scales, as much as it is an overarching way of seeing that spans a lifetime. Practicing curiosity fosters open-mindedness.

There is a firm but gentle way to be intently aware, where one almost sees oneself as a beloved stranger. Being a stranger to oneself can represent alienation and nihilism, but it can also be the beginning of a love affair as we meet ourselves anew. Closeness to oneself, however, can pose a variety of real and imagined threats. It is important to respect our own boundaries, self-consent to all major decisions, and equip ourselves well.

Self-Absorption vs. Self-Reflection

In the journey of self-discovery and personal growth, two seemingly similar yet fundamentally different concepts often arise: self-absorption and self-reflection. While both involve introspection and inward focus, understanding the nuances between them is crucial for fostering genuine growth and avoiding potential pitfalls.

The Key Distinctions: Intentions and Outcomes

At the core of the distinction between self-absorption and self-reflection lie the intentions and outcomes of each mindset. Self-absorption is driven by a need for validation, self-aggrandizement, and the preservation of one’s ego. It often leads to stagnation, interpersonal conflicts, and a lack of meaningful connections.

In contrast, self-reflection is motivated by a genuine desire for personal growth, understanding, and empathy. It fosters deeper connections with oneself and others, promotes self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and cultivates resilience in the face of challenges. Achieving a balance between self-absorption and self-reflection requires mindfulness and conscious effort. Here are some practical strategies to navigate this balance effectively:

Understanding Self-Inquiry

Rooted in various philosophical and spiritual traditions, self-inquiry involves a deep exploration of one’s thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and motivations. At its core, self-inquiry is a process of asking ourselves profound questions and reflecting on the answers that arise. These questions may vary depending on individual needs and circumstances, but they often revolve around themes such as identity, purpose, values, fears, desires, and relationships. Through self-inquiry, we seek to unravel the layers of conditioning, assumptions, and unconscious patterns that shape our perceptions and behaviors. Key Principles of Self-Inquiry may include:

The Dangers of Excessive Self-Reflection: When Introspection Becomes a Trap

Self-reflection, like any tool, can be misused or taken to extremes, leading to a host of negative consequences.

1. Paralysis by Analysis: The tendency to overanalyze every aspect of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Instead of leading to clarity and understanding, this can result in a state of paralysis where individuals become stuck in endless loops of rumination and indecision. They may find themselves constantly second-guessing their choices, unable to take action for fear of making the wrong decision.

• Increased Stress and Anxiety: Constantly scrutinizing our thoughts and behaviors can also lead to heightened levels of stress and anxiety. When we are hyper-focused on our perceived flaws and shortcomings, we are more likely to experience negative emotions such as worry, self-doubt, and fear of failure.

• Self-Obsession and Narcissism: Excessive self-reflection can also fuel self-obsession and narcissistic tendencies. When individuals become overly fixated on themselves and their own needs, they may lose sight of the bigger picture and struggle to empathize with others. This can lead to a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships. Eventually it can result in feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a lack of meaningful connections.

• Inhibition of Spontaneity and Creativity: Constantly analyzing every thought and idea can stifle innovation and prevent individuals from taking risks or thinking outside the box.

• Distorted Self-Perception: Excessive self-reflection can also lead to a distorted self-perception, where individuals become overly critical or judgmental of themselves. They may magnify their flaws and shortcomings while minimizing their strengths and achievements. This can erode self-esteem and confidence over time, leading to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

Benefits of Self-Inquiry

The practice of self-inquiry offers a multitude of benefits for personal growth and well-being:

Self-Inquiry Is A Complex Affair

There are so many layers and options, and fully cataloguing every dimension would be quite an undertaking. Taking it all in and using it implicitly would be ridiculous. In the meantime, here are a few questions and related observations, which may be handy.

A) Why am I thinking this? I mean this thought, right now: . . . While this can simply be a curious question, it may feel critical particularly if the emotional tone (the inner tone of voice) is short or explicitly berating. However, there is a possibility that this is a useful question, as it allows one to trace back the origins or triggers of a particular train of thought or sequence of experiences. “How come” or “when did you first notice this” can be other ways to wonder why.

B) What is happening? This is what is passing through my mind: . . . This feels like recognition, though the content may change. There is a sense of sureness, no doubt. It may be a fleeting notion, or an old familiar companion. Getting such repeating complexes of thought-emotion-behaviour, holistic experience, is useful. They may represent the brain’s resting state network, or default mode network (DMN) activity. Many people do not pay attention to this background noise, but it is not fully random. There are often large parts which are consistent over time. Whether they work as we wish, and so on, is another question.

C) What am I seeing? More to the point, where is attention focused?: . .  . .  A lot of how we think is in a visual mode. The mind is a high-entropy system, meaning it can be in many possible states.  According to physicist Emerson M. Pugh (though often ascribed to others), “If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn’t.” We can imagine anything, given enough time, but the reality is that at any given moment we have a limited capacity to hold information in mind. This is the paradox of the brain, which is effectively infinite to itself while being severely constrained, as in theory I can think, say or experience a massive number of possible things. In the visual metaphor, we can control how far away we are from the object of attention, creating a degree of detachment without disengagement.

D) Am I listening? Did I stop listening to what is important to me?: . .. .  Listening is key because we can expand the soundscape of how we take our own thoughts. Sometimes the littlest voices are the most important, as is often said. For example, suppose we look at it in different modes. Our default listening mode is meant to meander, and meandering is healthy, creative, and restorative. It lets us stumble upon interesting and potentially important things we might otherwise zip past. The executive control mode can remember what was prioritized, execute plans, and direct resources. The salience mode decides what to highlight and what to filter out, to a significant extent based on past experiences, for better or worse. Clearing the mind makes listening easier.

E) Am I using all my senses? . . .  . Other ways of self-attention track with other sensory modalities, scent or olfaction, touch, taste, body sense or proprioception, and subtle cues of a very basic nature, such as level of tension and groundness, feeling uprooted or firmly planted. It takes a bit of a Sherlock Holmes mentality to fully get a sense of oneself first by looking for all the tell-tale clues. Any sense can be a metaphor or template for ways of inner perception. The immersion in digital reality tends to make it harder to cultivate other senses, though, as audio-visual systems get disproportionately used, and highly developed. Adaptations to cyber-reality may make it harder to be present in an embodied form, as we come to expect and have become accustomed to obvious simulation. It also changes the way we relate to one another.

F) Am I present? . . . . .  The act of asking this question, which may be dispassionate and compassionate, can have the immediate effect of returning one to the present. This is especially true if the path is well-travelled. Neurotic tendencies interfere, with second-guessing and worry. It is like building a bridge into the air over a canyon without being able to see the other side. Being present uses up mental resources, taking other brain systems offline, such as those involved in excessive worry. It also means that we cannot think about the past and future in quite the same ways, as there is a sense of time standing still in the present moment. Long-term planning from this perspective is more of a blueprint, perhaps as imperfectly glimpsed in a dream.

There is a question of whether humanity has been sleepwalking — a manifestation of collective self-hypnotic somnambulism — and whether we are becoming woke, or not. Being present allows us to at least take stock of our personal inventory, possibly catching more of what we ordinarily downplay or completely miss.

Sometimes we have an idea, and while we are thinking about it, we realize we are struggling to clarify to ourselves what we are really thinking. We have an idea and wanted to communicate it to someone else, but find ourselves saying, “it’s hard to explain”. Some questions that may help us out of this are:

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE DO?

How do we differentiate between needs and motives or motivations.? How not to be ruled by feelings, habits, impulses, and thoughts.?

Varieties of Motivation

One of the fundamental premises of the practice of Nonviolent Communication is that everything we do is an attempt to meet core human needs. Much can be said about what exactly counts as a need, and the difference between needs and the many strategies we employ in our attempts to meet them. There is no claim within this practice that we are all the same; only that we share the same core needs, and they serve as the only reason for us to do anything.

If everything is motivated by one or more human needs, then why are we even talking about varieties of motivations? It’s because what varies is the degree of awareness we bring to the relationship between our needs and our actions. Our various cultures don’t generally cultivate in us the practice of knowing what we want.

On the contrary, much of socialization is focused on questioning what we want and telling us any number of reasons for acting other than because we want something. This is a tragedy of enormous proportions, because what then happens is that what we want goes underground. We continue to act based on our needs without knowing what they are, and therefore with far less choice than we might otherwise do.

When we are not aware of needs, we act based on our feelings, thoughts, habits, or impulse. In essence, each of these types of motivation can serve as a way to deny our responsibility for our choices. Although each of these is connected with our needs, unless we specifically engage with the underlying needs, we are likely to continue to act with less choice than we can cultivate and achieve through becoming need-literate.

Feelings and Thoughts

Unless we develop some kind of practice of conscious engagement with our feelings, most of us experience them and respond to them as internal demands for action or avoidance of action whether or not it’s what we want. Fear, shame, or guilt may lead us to avoidance, while anger or excitement leads us to move toward an action.

When we instantly translate feelings into actions, we sidestep any understanding of what we truly want. Because of the strength with which our feelings “command” action, we don’t have the opportunity to use feelings as what they are designed for, which is to be sources of information. Feelings serve a signal function. They arise from the constant stream of data about what is happening, and our ceaseless evaluation, under the radar of our awareness, as to whether or not our needs are met.

Listening to our feelings carefully allow us to trace them to the underlying needs that give rise to them. Choice lies in the capacity to understand, access, and embrace the underlying needs.

Thoughts mask our choice in a different way from how our feelings do. When we act based on what we should do, must do, or have to do, what we can’t do, what others will say, what is “rational and reasonable” or “appropriate,” we are linking our actions to something that is fundamentally external to us.

Feelings compel us from within, while thoughts compel us from without. The reason this is of such vital importance is that freedom is about choosing rather than being compelled. Choice is always internal: we may, and often will, take into consideration the effect of our actions and choices on others. Still, there is a world of difference between believing we have to do something and choosing it based on what’s important to us underneath the “have to.”

Indeed, our thoughts contain information about what is important to us, and in that way, they too are expressions of our needs. They usually lack the vibrancy of feelings, the sense of being alive, whether happily or not, in the experience of the feeling. They appear to be more “in control” and therefore give us a sense of being more at choice than when we act based on feelings.

The essence about connecting with ourselves at the level of needs rather than feelings or thoughts is that we then feel both the vibrancy of life that comes from being internally connected and the sense of clear choice that comes from knowing what’s important.

Habits

While feelings and thoughts give us the illusion of choice, habits are recognized by most of us as lacking choice. As a result, when people begin the practice of learning to connect with their needs, they easily fall into judging their habits (Self judgement).

Part of the difficulty with transforming habits into choice is that we often are not even aware of taking an action based on a habit. It’s only at other times, away from the action, that we may become aware that we acted based on a habit. Those are also the times we are most likely to judge ourselves for habitual behaviour. What makes it even more challenging is that finding the needs that give rise to the habit requires deep sleuthing/ reflections because the habits were formed in the past, when specific actions may have been powerful strategies to meet certain needs, and those very same strategies may no longer attend to those needs.

Habits, by their nature, are designed to relieve us from having to choose freshly each time, so it’s not likely to be easy to regain choice. This is where compassion for self is essential. It’s only when we have sufficient tenderness toward how hard changing habits can be that we can create a different motivation for the process of change itself: instead of being motivated by “should” thinking, we can find the needs that lead us to want to engage with the habit.

Freedom and authenticity are often powerful motivators. Embracing all our needs in relation to our habits may shift the emotional quality of trying to make a change, for example, from urgency to calm resolve. This grounding can help us mourn any unmet needs that the habits lead to, envision other strategies to meet as many needs as we can, and develop clear requests of ourselves to support the desired change.

It is critical to reach full connection with the needs that lead us to choose the habitual behaviour. This connection is essential for making change that is grounded in self-compassion. Without this quality, we cannot have sufficient internal cooperation, and the attempt to change is likely to be a self-demand that will recreate internal resistance to the change.

Impulse and Intuition

The final contender for being a primary motivator is impulse. Like habits, impulses are recognized as lacking choice and are therefore judged. Contrary to habits, though, impulses appear as “natural” and full of life. Sometimes, especially when we have been enslaved by habits and painful thought patterns, responding to our impulses and acting on them can seem like a welcome relief. They can give us the illusion of coming back to ourselves.

Clearly, impulses are completely spontaneous, and yet they may not necessarily be related to what we truly want. Our impulses can arise for so many reasons, and by themselves, we have no clear way to assess their capacity to realise needs.

Intuition seems to come from a different internal place, and doesn’t have the force of an impulse. An impulse, like a feeling, has a quality of propelling us to action. Intuition’s voice is soft and requires careful attention to discern what is being said. Some of us honor and cherish our intuition, recognizing it as a source of wisdom, directing access to what we want without the painstaking effort of discerning what our needs are.

**Source Credits: a) The book- Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman . . . . . . . . . . b) The book- Nudge by -Richard H. Thaler & Cass R. Sunstein . . . . . . . . . . . .c) The book- Predictably Irrational-by Dan Ariely . . . . . . . . . d) The book- Atomic Habitsby James Clear

Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

EMPLOYEE MOTIVATION TODAY: BEHAVIOURS THAT HELP IDENTIFY

“I need to figure out how to motivate my employees.” When was the last time we thought that to ourselves? It could have been the other week when we noticed one of the direct reports dragging his/her feet on a project that’s critical to the company. Or, perhaps it was the other month when we felt frustrated that the team was not being proactive about addressing customer issues. We hear this sentiment of “how to motivate employees” frequently from managers we work with. We, as leaders, are not the only ones thinking this. Employees themselves admit that they do not feel as motivated at work as they would like.According to research, only 2 in 10 employees strongly agree that their performance is managed in a way that motivates them to do outstanding work.

However, this question of, “How to motivate my employees as a manager?” is a misguided one. It implies that motivation is something we give another person. That is patently false. Motivation is not a thing we give to people — motivation is a thing people already have.

Employees inherently have energy, ideas, gifts, and talents that are worth being shared with the world. We, as leaders, simply need to get out of their way and create a space for that energy, ideas, gifts, and talents to thrive. The question we should ask ourselves is not, “How can I motivate my team?” but rather, “How can I create an environment for my team members to motivate themselves?”

Here are some things we can do as leaders to create the conditions for employees to motivate themselves and doesn’t undermine intrinsic employee motivation that they already have.

1. Immerse yourself in discovery.

We cannot enable another person’s motivation to flourish if we don’t know what motivates them, to begin with. As a result, a key part of effectively creating the conditions for strong employee motivation in our team is to figure out what motivates them?

Hopefully, we have got a sense of this when we were hiring them — as the interview process is very much about understanding what drives a person. However, if it still remains fuzzy, here are some questions we will want to ask during our next one-on-one meeting to figure out, at their core, what the team member is motivated by:

It is also a good idea to share these questions ahead of time, thus giving them time to think about the questions. We can say something like, “I’d love to discuss broader, deeper life questions during our next one-on-one,” and can also share an agenda ahead of time. We may continue to ask these questions as we work with this person over time. Discovery of motivation is not a one-time, one-off occurrence — it is an ongoing, consistent practice.

• Personalize everything where feasible.

Motivation is personal. What motivates one person might not motivate someone else. As a result, it is important to have nuance in the conditions we create for motivation to grow — we need to individualize those conditions. This means specifically aligning projects, goals, and incentives with what the other person is motivated by, and no one else.

This seems intuitive, yet we often unintentionally (or completely unknowingly) project our own preferences and proclivities onto another person. For example, because we find detail-oriented work very easy, we might assume the other person does as well, and we proceed to hand off a very data-focused, detail-oriented project to them.

Then, we notice that they are not motivated on the project and seem to be struggling, we wonder, “Hmm why aren’t they really stepping into it?” When we consider the individual nature of motivation, the answer becomes obvious: It was a mismatch of aligning the project to what motivates that person the most. However, sometimes, there are projects that must get done and goals that have to get met — and we cannot customize or individualize them.

• Create flexibility/ choice.

While we cannot always individualize and perfectly match someone’s project and goals with what they are most motivated by, we can create positive conditions for motivation by enabling choice in what people can do. In Edward Deci’s seminal book on human motivation theory, Why We Do What We Do, he describes how “meaningful choice engenders willingness” and results in a higher quality of decisions, and greater motivation and commitment to the task.

For example, while someone may not be able to choose their project, we can give them a choice in how they want to approach the project. Or in another situation, instead of assigning someone a set of goals, we can invite them to participate in the formation of those goals and enable them to choose it. Studies have shown that when people can actively choose their own goals, they are more likely to follow through on them.

• Discontinue surveillance.

What damages the conditions for motivation the most? Surveillance has been revealed in studies to negatively impact intrinsic motivation. Anytime we are peeking over someone’s shoulder, making a mental note of what time they log on or log off, or when they enter the office — it is not helping. Additionally, consider how deadlines and imposed goals undermine intrinsic motivation and negatively affect performance. Are we arbitrarily setting targets to create an artificial sense of “urgency” or “accountability”? Or are we trying to create a supportive environment that is truly helpful for a person getting to where they need to be?

• Acknowledge constraints and feelings.

Sometimes we cannot create a good environment for motivation. The company is tight on resources, or there is a toxic person who is dragging the team down, but we don’t have the authority to let that person go. When you know that prime conditions for strong motivation are not there, recognize that. Share with the team, “Here’s why I know that sucks” or “I so appreciate you bearing with this” and we demonstrate how much we understand their point of view. This sharing of the rationale behind why things are constraining or not feeling good helps to minimize the pressure that detracts from performance. Acknowledging the bad helps clear room for someone to try to do good.

• Clarify expectations.

On occasion, our team does not seem motivated because their behaviour doesn’t match up with our own conception of what “highly motivated” looks like in our heads. In short, we as leaders have not made clear what the real output of strong motivation looks like in our team. Does it mean that people are moving faster? Does it mean a higher quality of work? Once we have determined what the product of “stronger motivation” looks like, then consider: How well have we communicated this to the team? Do they know and are they aware that is the output and product they should be creating?

As a leader, when we are trying to figure out how to motivate employees, what we are truly trying to do is create a context in which they can act. We are creating an environment for the team to motivate themselves.

**Source Credits:-

The Book- Why We Do What We Do by Edward Deci 

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

EFFECTIVE AND MEANINGFUL APOLOGY: BEHAVIOURS ASSOCIATED

Apologizing to those we have hurt or harmed isn’t always an easy task. There can be various obstacles in our way of doing what is right. Some are:

A)  A matter of pride: . . .   To apologize is to set aside our pride long enough to admit our imperfections. For some people, this feels far too vulnerable, too dangerous. It means they have to admit they are flawed and fallible, something they refuse to do. And apologizing also overrides our tendency to make excuses or blame others. This acceptance of responsibility for our own actions is so out of character for some that it is nearly impossible.  

B) A sign of weakness: . . .  To many, apologizing reflects weakness. These people have a tendency to need to be right and to always be seen as strong and powerful. But the truth is, apologizing for the harm you caused and taking responsibility for your mistakes can actually be seen as a sign of strength. For example, General Mark Milley recently apologized for appearing in a photo-op with President Trump. “It was a mistake,” he admitted, “I should not have been there.” For most people, hearing a top General apologize didn’t diminish him in their eyes but elevated him. The truth is, it takes strength to apologize.

C)  Fear of being shamed: . . . .  Some people have been so severely shamed in their childhood that they can’t tolerate any further shaming.  This includes admitting when they are wrong or apologizing for mistakes.

D)  The fear of consequences: . . . . . Many people fear that if they take the risk of apologizing they may be rejected. “What if he never speaks to me again,” and “What if she leaves me?” are two of our most common fears. Others fear that by apologizing they risk being exposed to others or of having their reputations ruined. “What if he tells everyone what I did?” is the common fear of those who fear this consequence. Some people fear that by admitting fault they will lose the respect of others. “What if she thinks I’m incompetent?” Still, others fear retaliation, “What if he yells at me?” “What if she tries to get revenge?” Finally, the fear of exposure or even arrest may prevent us from doing what we know we need to do. Even those who would like to apologize for wrongdoing hold back out of fear of being sued or arrested, or due to the advice of legal counsel.  

E)  A lack of awareness: . . . . . Many people don’t apologize because they are oblivious to the effect their actions have on others. They don’t apologize because they are simply unaware that they have anything to apologize for. They may be so focused on what others have done to harm them that they can’t see how they have harmed others, or they just may be so self-focused that they are unable to see the effect their behaviour has on others. 

Each person suffers in one way or another. And each of us is trying to end that suffering in any way we can. Sometimes, in a last-ditch effort to end our suffering, we choose to close off our minds or harden our hearts. When we do this, we accomplish our goal of not being able to feel our pain but we also stop being able to feel the pain of others. When this happens we act in callous, selfish, even cruel ways without even knowing it. This may give the impression that we don’t care when, in fact, we are just blind to the effects of our actions.

F)  The inability to empathize: . . . . . By far, the most significant reason why so many of us have difficulty apologizing it that we lack empathy for others, that quality that enables us to put ourselves in the place of the other person.  In order to truly apologize we need to be able to imagine how our behaviour or attitude has affected the other person. Unfortunately, many people are unable to do this. Some have to be reminded how to have empathy, others have to be taught.

Apology has the power to humble the most arrogant of people. When we are able to develop the courage to admit when we are wrong and to work past our fears and resistance to apologizing we develop a deep sense of respect for ourselves. This self-respect can, in turn, affect our self-esteem, our self-confidence and our overall outlook on life.

When I apologize to you I show you that I respect you and care about your feelings. I let you know that I did not intend to hurt you and that it is my intention to treat you fairly in the future. By accepting my apology you not only show me (and yourself) that you have a generous spirit but that you are giving me and our relationship another chance. In addition, you are reminded of your own mistakes and this in turn can encourage you to treat me and others with more respect and consideration.

What is a Meaningful Apology?

Many people need to be taught how to apologize in a way that will be heard and accepted. An effective, meaningful apology is one that communicates the three R’s: . . .

1)  A statement of regret for having caused the inconvenience, hurt, or damage.

To feel true regret we need to have empathy for the person we have harmed. This entails imagining how the other person feels and an awareness of the inconvenience, hurt, or damage that you caused the other person. Having empathy for the person you hurt or angered is actually the most important part of your apology. When you truly have empathy the other person will feel it. Your apology will wash over him or her like a healing balm. On the other hand, if you don’t have empathy your apology will sound and feel empty.

2)  An acceptance of responsibility for your actions. 

This means not blaming anyone else for what you did and not making excuses for your actions but instead accepting full responsibility.

3) A statement of your willingness to take some action to remedy the situation.

This could be either by promising to not repeat your action, a promise to work toward not making the same mistake again, a statement as to how you are going to remedy the situation or by making restitution for the damages you caused. Just saying you are sorry is insulting unless you offer reassurances that you will not do it again.

Apology is a powerful interaction that has an almost magical ability to provide healing for both the offended and the offender. Let’s not squander our opportunities to heal, grow, and change our lives and the lives of others for the better by refusing to admit our wrongs or by giving half-hearted, bumbled, or insulting apologies. 

Article Reference: The Power of Apology-  Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships, by Beverly Engel.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

FEAR OF MISSING OUT (FOMO)

What Is FOMO?

This is a social anxiety stemmed from the belief that others might be having fun while the person experiencing the anxiety is not present. It is characterized by a desire to stay continually connected with what others are doing. FOMO is also defined as a fear of regret, which may lead to concerns that one might miss an opportunity for social interaction, a novel experience or a profitable investment. It is the fear that deciding not to participate is the wrong choice.

Social networking creates many opportunities for FOMO. While it provides opportunities for social engagement, it offers an endless stream of activities in which any given person is not involved. Psychological dependence on social networks can result in anxiety and can lead to FOMO or even pathological Internet use. FOMO could result from not knowing about a conversation, missing a TV show, not attending a wedding or party, or hearing that others have discovered a new restaurant. The fear of missing out refers to the feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than you are, and involves a deep sense of envy and affects self-esteem. FOMO is also the sense that there might be better things that you could be doing at this moment and involves a sense of helplessness that you are missing out on something big.

Brief History

The idea that you might be missing out on a good time is not new to our era. However, while it has presumably been around for centuries (you can see evidence of FOMO in ancient texts), it has only been studied since 1996. Social media has accelerated the FOMO phenomenon in several ways. It provides a situation in which you are comparing your regular life to the highlights of others’ lives. Therefore, your sense of “normal” becomes skewed and you seem to be doing worse than your peers. You might see detailed photos of your friends enjoying fun times without you, which is something that people may not have been so readily aware of in past generations. Social media creates a platform for bragging; it is where things, events, and even happiness itself seems to be in competition at times. People are comparing their best, picture-perfect experiences, which may lead you to wonder what you are lacking.

The roots: FOMO Comes from Unhappiness

Those with low levels of satisfaction of the fundamental needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness tend towards higher levels of fear of missing out as do those with lower levels of general mood and overall life satisfaction. So you’re not feeling so great — whether you realize it or not — and you turn to social media to make you feel better. Only one problem there: it actually makes you feel worse.

The Attention Deficit

The problem with FOMO is the individuals it impacts are looking outward instead of inward. When you’re so tuned in to the ‘other,’ or the ‘better’ (in your mind), you lose your authentic sense of self. This constant fear of missing out means you are not participating as a real person in your own world. And the key to happiness really comes down to one word – Attention. Your happiness is determined by how you allocate your attention. What you attend to this, it drives your behaviour and it determines your happiness. The scarcity of attentional resources means that you must consider how you can make and facilitate better decisions about what to pay attention to and in what ways. If you are not as happy as you could be, then you must be misallocating your attention. So changing behaviour and enhancing happiness is as much about withdrawing attention from the negative as it is about attending to the positive. People with FOMO stop paying attention to life and turn to social media for their happiness cure.

The Social Media Illusion

We all know that Social Media doesn’t provide a very well-rounded picture of people’s lives. Often it seems like if bragging and showing off were banned, some people wouldn’t post anything at all. But despite knowing this, studies say we can’t help but compare our lives to others. If one only wished to be happy, this could be easily accomplished; but we wish to be happier than other people, and this is always difficult, for we believe others to be happier than they are.

As Erica Jong once said: “Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.” Even if we logically know Social Media isn’t an accurate depiction of people’s lives, well, confronting your seeming inadequacy 24/7 against an unachievable false reality can hammer your already vulnerable self-esteem. But engaging to alleviate your discomfort also has an important secondary effect: by presenting your carefully edited version of life awesomeness, you just made anyone who sees it feel worse. You’re spreading the virus.

1. Social networking sites are both a cause and an effect of FOMO, acting as a mechanism that triggers higher social networking usage. It appears that FOMO is linked to both feeling a need to engage in social media and increasing that engagement, thereby contributing to a negative, self-perpetuating cycle.
2. You may find yourself seeking a greater connection when you are feeling depressed or anxious, and this is healthy. Feelings of loneliness or exclusion are actually our brain’s way of telling us that we want to seek out greater connections with others and increase our sense of belonging.
3. FOMO can be experienced by people of all ages. Smartphone usage was related to fears of negative and even positive evaluations by others as well as linked to negative effects on mood.
4. FOMO is linked to lower life satisfaction.  Fear of missing out was found to be associated with a lower sense of having one’s needs met as well as a lower feeling of life satisfaction in general.
5. Aside from increased feelings of unhappiness, fear of missing out can lead to greater involvement in unhealthy behaviours. FOMO has been linked to distracted driving, which in some cases can be deadly.

Minimizing FOMO

Change your focus.: Rather than focusing on what you lack, try noticing what you have. Add more positive people to your feed; hide people who tend to brag too much or who are not supportive of you. You can change your feed to show you less of what triggers your FOMO and more of what makes you feel good about yourself. Work on identifying what may be sapping your joy online and  minimize these as you add more to your feed (and life) that makes you happy.

Keep a journal. : It is common to post on social media to keep a record of the fun things you do. However, you may find yourself noticing a little too much about whether people are validating your experiences online. If this is the case, you may want to take some of your photos and memories offline and keep a personal journal of your best memories, either online or on paper. This can help you to shift your focus from public approval to private appreciation of the things that make your life great. This shift can sometimes help you to get out of the cycle of social media and FOMO.

Seek out real connections. : Rather than trying to connect more with people on social media, why not arrange to meet up with someone in person? Making plans with a good friend, creating a group outing, or doing anything social that gets you out with friends can be a nice change of pace, and it can help you to shake that feeling that you are missing out. Even a direct message on social media to a friend can foster a greater and more intimate connection than posting to all of your friends.

Focus on gratitude. : Studies show that engaging in gratitude-enhancing activities like gratitude journaling or simply telling others what you appreciate about them can lift your spirits as well as those of everyone around you. This is partially because it is harder to feel as if you lack the things you need in life when you are focused on the abundance you already have. The more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic. And feeling gratitude doesn’t just make you happier. It’s correlated with an objectively better life. Gratitude, controlling for materialism, uniquely predicts all outcomes considered, like a higher grade point average, life satisfaction, social integration, and absorption, as well as lower envy and depression.

Use social media in moderation.: The negative effects of social media often occur when social media is used very frequently, or at the expense of maintaining relationships offline. Social media can be a great tool for connecting with other people. Although we can experience FOMO when we learn about fun events after-the-fact, social media can also be a great way to find out about events we are able to attend. Social media can complement a healthy, fulfilling social life when used in moderation. To reduce your social media use, try using Moment or another activity-tracking smartphone app to monitor the time you spend on social media and set realistic goals for reducing your social media time and replacing it with more fulfilling activities.

Focus on your friends more than your acquaintances.: We can use social media to keep in touch with people who live far away and to see what our friends are doing. Viewing close friends’ posts is less likely to provoke the upward social comparison that harms our well-being than viewing acquaintances’ or strangers’ posts.

Share updates from your own life in a mindful way.: Although we know our own lives aren’t perfect, it’s often tempting to portray them that way on social media. It’s natural to want to present ourselves positively, and updating our own social media accounts can boost our self-esteem. However, occasionally discussing the less-than-perfect aspects of our lives can help others feel connected to us and give them the opportunity to support us. Honesty on social media may also help mitigate the negative consequences of social media use for others.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

SELF-ACCEPTANCE: SIGNIFICANCE AND WAYS TO ENRICH IT

Do you accept yourself? It might sound like an odd question; after all, what does it even mean to accept yourself? Don’t we all accept ourselves as a regular part of living our day-to-day lives? As it turns out, self-acceptance is not an automatic or default state. Many of us have trouble accepting ourselves exactly as we are. Personality stays the same, and yet it changes over a lifespan. The ebb and flow of human experience come with social challenges and the development of a confident level of self-worth. Self-acceptance is a contributing factor in improved overall psychological wellbeing.

What is the Meaning of Self-Acceptance?

Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests: the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions. For an academic definition:

“[Self-acceptance is] an individual’s acceptance of all of his/her attributes, positive or negative.”

This definition emphasizes the importance of accepting all facets of the self. It’s not enough to simply embrace the good, valuable, or positive about yourself; to embody true self-acceptance, you must also embrace the less desirable, the negative, and the ugly parts of yourself.

It’s not easy to accept the things that we desperately want to change about ourselves; however—counterintuitively—it is only by truly accepting ourselves that we can even begin the process of meaningful self-improvement. In other words, we must first acknowledge that we have undesirable traits and habits before we start off on our journey to improvement.

Unconditional Self-Acceptance

To begin working on ourselves, the first step is not just self-acceptance, but unconditional self-acceptance. It’s relatively easy to accept ourselves when we just did something great—won an award, fell in love, or started a fantastic new job—but accepting ourselves at our lowest and with our faults and flaws in stark relief is the real mark of unconditional self-acceptance.

Unconditional self-acceptance is understanding that you are separate from your actions and your qualities. We accept that we have made mistakes and that we have flaws, but we do not let them define us. We accept that, as a fallible human being, we are less than perfect. We will often perform well, but we will also err at times… We always and unconditionally accept ourselves without judgment.

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is more closely associated with psychological affect than self-acceptance. While it is an important piece in the global understanding of an individual, it does not alone create a psychological well human being. Self-esteem refers to how we feel about ourselves—whether we feel we are generally good, worthwhile, and valuable—while self-acceptance is simply acknowledging and accepting that we are who we are. Full self-acceptance can lay the foundations for positive Self-esteem, and the two frequently go hand-in-hand, but they concern two different aspects of how we think and feel about ourselves.

What does self-acceptance look like? Examples (Situations)

How do we know when we have “reached” self-acceptance? “Can you look in the mirror and truly accept the unique, wonderful work-in-progress person staring back at you?”

We will know that we have achieved our goal of self-acceptance when we can look at ourselves in the mirror and accept every last bit of what makes us who we are, and when we no longer try to mitigate, ignore, or explain away any perceived faults or flaws—physical or otherwise. Self-acceptance can look different for each of us, depending on what we have struggled with and which pieces of ourselves we’d rather not think about. Here are some examples of what self-acceptance might look like for a variety of people:

1. A man going through a divorce who feels like a failure because of it might experience self-acceptance as acknowledging that he made some mistakes and that his marriage failed, but that does not make him a failure.
2. A woman struggling with anorexia may accept herself as a human being with an imperfect body, acknowledge that she approaches her imperfection from a harmful perspective, and commit to working on this perspective.
3. A student who works hard only to receive Cs and the occasional B in college could reach a point of self-acceptance in which he realizes that studying and taking tests is not his strong suit and that this is okay because he has other strengths.
4. A girl with low self-esteem who actively ignores facing her self-doubt and self-defeating beliefs might experience self-acceptance through acknowledging and confronting her negative beliefs and cognitive distortions, and realizing that not everything she thinks is true.
5. An employee who struggles to meet the goals set by a demanding boss may accept herself by accepting that sometimes she will fail to deliver, but that she can still be a good person even when she fails.

 Techniques to enhance self-acceptance:

1. Practice relaxed awareness:

As opposed to constant distraction, or concentrated focus, relaxed awareness is a soft consciousness of our thoughts, feelings, pain, self-rating, and judgment, etc. It’s an awareness of our existence.

To practice: close your eyes for a minute, and instead of pushing thoughts away or trying to focus on your breath, just softly notice your thoughts and feelings and body. You might see negative thoughts or emotions — that’s OK. Just notice them, watch them. Don’t try to turn them into positive thoughts or push them away. You can do this practice for 5 minutes a day, or up to 30 minutes if you find it useful.

When we practice relaxed awareness, you’ll notice things — negative thoughts, fears, happy thoughts, self-judgments, etc. We tend to want to stop the negative thoughts and feelings, but this is just a suppression, an avoidance, a negating of the negative. Instead, welcome these phenomena, they are a part of our life, and they are OK. Hug the bad feeling, comfort it, let it hang around for a while. They are not bad but are opportunities to learn things about ourselves. When we run from these “bad” feelings, we create more pain. Instead, see the good in them, and find the opportunity.

• Let go of rating yourself:

Another thing you’ll notice, once you start to pay attention, is self-rating. Individuals are far too complex to be given a global rating. It has been found that humans who don’t rate themselves either with good or bad have a higher level of psychological wellbeing and move into lives that are flourishing. Those seeking approval in a variety of areas may find discomfort when allowing feedback to fuel a self-rating. We rate ourselves compared to others, or rate ourselves as “good” or “bad” at different things, or rate ourselves as flabby or too skinny or ugly. That doesn’t mean to let it go, but just to notice it, and see what results from it. After realizing that self-rating repeatedly causes soreness, you’ll be happy to let it go, in time.

• Compassion & forgiveness for yourself:

As you notice judgments and self-rating, see if you can turn them into forgiveness and compassion. If you judge yourself for not doing well at something, or not being good enough at something, can you forgive yourself for this, just as you might forgive someone else? In some cases, we don’t need to forgive, but instead to understand what was not within our control. Think about what you’re grateful for. Include things about yourself. If you aren’t perfect, what about your imperfection can you be grateful for? Feel free to journal about these things each day, or once a week.

• Learn from all parts and emotions:

We tend to try to see our successes as good, and the failures as bad, but what if we see that everything is something to learn from? Even the dark parts — they are parts of us, and we can find interesting and useful things in them too. When you are feeling negative emotions, see them as a separate event, not a part of you, and watch them. Remove their power over you by thinking of them, not as commandments you must follow or believe in, but rather like passing objects.

• Talk to someone:

Sometimes we get so in our heads that it’s difficult to separate our thoughts and emotions, to see things clearly. Talking through these issues with another person — a friend, spouse, co-worker — can help you to understand yourself better. Use the talking technique together with one of the above techniques.

• Laugh at it:

How do you stop judging yourself? Laugh at it. A big laugh helps you look deep, notice your self-judgments, and push through the steps to accepting part of yourself. This might help when the voice inside your head wants to make you miserable. Giving yourself the full and unconditional permission to be human opens you up to thoughts and feelings as adventures, rather than self-punishing patterns. Irrational thoughts and cognitive distortions are limiting to personal development and achievement of the good life.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa.